What is self-awareness really, and how can we foster it?
Many Autistic’s report being too self-aware, especially for traditional therapy. Myself included. Yet, the majority of the population is not self-aware.
In What Self-Awareness Really Is (and How to Cultivate It) by Dr. Tasha Eurich from the Harvard Business Review (2018), “found that even though most people believe they are self-aware, self-awareness is a rare quality.”
Eurich states, “We estimate that only 10%–15% of the [almost 5000] people we studied fit the criteria.”
This begs the question: what is missing between what we think self-awareness is and what it is?
This article will examine 3 key questions:
What is self-awareness?
What’s the connection between Autism and self-awareness?
How to foster self-awareness?
Let’s get started.
What is Self-Awareness?
Dictionary.com’s definition of self-awareness is being “conscious of one’s feelings, character, etc.”
According to Dr. Eurich, there are two types of self-awareness.
Internal Self-Awareness
Internal self-awareness “represents how we see our values, passions, aspirations, fit with our environment, reactions, and impact on others.”
External Self-Awareness
External self-awareness, “means understanding how other people view us, using those same factors listed above.”
Furthermore, internal self-awareness is “associated with higher job and relationship satisfaction, personal and social control, and happiness.” However, it is, “negatively related to anxiety, stress, and depression.”
So, people with external self-awareness “are more skilled at showing empathy and taking others’ perspectives.”
The key takeaway is that the research found no correlation between the two. Like IQ and EQ, being high in one doesn’t necessarily mean being high in the other.
What’s the Connection Between Autism and Self-Awareness?
For this section, I’ll be speaking from my experience and those of the Autistic community I’ve read about.
There are a high number of Autistic people who report being “too self-aware.” Therefore, a connection between the two does exist.
There are two key factors for this: masking and pattern recognition.
Masking
First, is masking. Masking is a tool used by Autistic’s to hide their Autistic traits to appear more neurotypical. Essentially, it’s a conscious, learned tool used to blend in. This is due to the stigmatization around Autism. We can’t always safely be ourselves depending on where we are and who we’re with, so we mask.
To build this mask one has to be hyper-aware of their surroundings. For example, when I mask it looks something like this:
Say, I’m in a mall with my sister and we see someone we know. We go up and talk to them.
Now, I’ve had no time to prepare for this interaction, I have no idea what this person is going to say or how I should react. Therefore, I’m closely monitoring their behaviour, their words, body language, and more.
I’m also doing the same with myself. I’m thinking about how much eye contact I’m making or not making. I’m overthinking the words I use, the facial expressions and the body language I convey.
Are my arms crossed? Ok, uncross them, they’ll think you’re standoffish. Are you smiling? Does this topic of conversation call for it? Yes, ok, keep it up. Wait, don’t interrupt them even though you want to rant about your new hyperfixation.
Oh, you should say something here. But what? Oh damn, the topic changed and I’ve missed my chance.
And so on. You get the point. (Note this doesn’t even include the sounds, smells, sights, etc. I’m trying to block out so I can focus on the interaction).
This kind of hyper-vigilance builds internal and external awareness in Autistics. This, however, can’t happen without one core trait of Autism: pattern recognition.
Pattern Recognition
Autism Strengths by Embrace Autism explains “The autistic brain excels at recognizing patterns. Brain regions associated with recognizing patterns light up more in autistic people.”
Due to this wiring of our brains, recognizing patterns comes easily to us.
I’m constantly reflecting and reviewing my internal and external world. I’m looking for patterns that might exist.
For example, there was a time when my sister and I would end up in an argument whenever we had to pet sit for our parents. Always the same argument, but various versions.
Thus, a pattern emerged and I was able to examine those experiences. I then concluded what happened, why it happened, and how we could move forward.
My solution was to set clear rules and boundaries for the days we’d be pet-sitting before we even got there. Once we were on the same page, there were no more arguments about who did what and when.
Too Self-Aware for Therapy
How does this all relate to therapy? Well, traditional talk therapy focuses on talking through experiences to understand the situation.
You examine topics such as:
What happened and why
What was the other person possibly thinking or feeling that explains their reaction
What you were thinking or feeling that explains your reaction
For myself, and many others, we’ve already examined these questions using our masking and pattern recognition. We know what happened. We understand the disconnect between our communication styles. Consequently, we also understand why what happened did indeed happen.
Anyway, let’s move on to why you’re here: how can you improve your self-awareness?
How to Foster Self-Awareness
Now, I could list off the same old advice as any other self-awareness article. But I’m going to take a different approach.
Here’s how I would foster self-awareness.
Look Outwards First
Self-awareness focuses on the self, but to cultivate it we should look at others first.
The best way to notice things about yourself is to start by noticing things about others.
If you commute to work on the bus or subway, sit back, put your phone away and observe. Watch and listen to what others are doing. Are they bored or tired? Are they angrily answering a phone call or sitting quietly and reading a book?
In the office or workplace, what are some of your coworkers’ quirks you’ve picked up on? How well do you get along? How receptive are they to feedback? How well do they work in teams?
When you get a handle on answering these types of questions about others, then you can ask them of yourself too.
Get Comfortable With Cognitive Dissonance
The wonderful thing about being human is our paradoxes and contradictions. We are a complex universe of good and bad, right and wrong, like and dislike.
So, to foster that self-awareness of yours, get comfortable with these contradictory beliefs. Get comfortable with cognitive dissonance.
Dictionary.com describes cognitive dissonance as “anxiety or discomfort that results from simultaneously holding contradictory or otherwise incompatible attitudes, beliefs, or the like. Such as when someone likes a person but disapproves strongly of one of their habits.”
When you reflect on your self-awareness, you will stumble upon some conflicting things. Think about something your parents taught or instilled in you, that you no longer follow. Consider who you thought you’d be when you “grew up,” versus who you actually are now.
Change is inevitable, yes, but what matters most is how we respond to it. This leads well to my third point.
Be Honest
Be honest with yourself.
Admit that you have changed. That the argument with your best friend was your fault, or that you really are good at that new hobby you tried out.
I’m not saying it won’t be difficult, but try your best to be honest. Examine yourself, the way you might examine a friend. This is why we should look outwards at others first.
There does come a time when you should get personal feedback though.
Get Some Feedback
Talk to your close friends and/or family and ask for an honest review.
This pulls in the second type of self-awareness: external self-awareness. Otherwise known as understanding how others view us. So ask around about how others perceive you.
This is also important at work. No matter what position you hold, talk to your colleagues. Get some honest feedback on how you can be a better employee, manager, or CEO.
Ask What, Not Why
The popular question to ask yourself when journaling or introspecting is “Why.” But how helpful is that really?
As it turns out, it’s not. To quote Dr. Eurich, “The problem with introspection isn’t that it is ineffective. It’s that most people are doing it incorrectly.”
Her research found that “‘why’ appeared fewer than 150 times, [but] the word ‘what’ appeared more than 1,000 times.”
Therefore, the better question to ask is “What.”
Eurich provides two examples of this.
Instead of: why do I feel so terrible? Try” What are the situations that make me feel terrible, and what do they have in common?”
When receiving negative feedback, instead of: why did you say this about me? Try: what are the steps I need to take in the future to do a better job?”
By reframing these questions from why to what you’re able to view the situation more objectively.
A Self-Awareness Assessment
I found a short self-awareness test from the iNLP Center. It has 12 multiple-choice questions with five different outcomes/scores you can achieve.
Final Thoughts
Alright, here’s what we’ve learned:
You’re probably not as self-aware as you think you are.
Unless you’re Autistic because you can mask and have excellent pattern recognition.
For the non-autistics, there are, thankfully, practical ways to foster your self-awareness.
Get curious, be honest, and be open to not who you think you are or should be, but who you are.
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